Come out of Dependency syndrome

 Every one of us is in a way dependent on people around us. However, what is bad is using other people as an excuse for not doing something one wants to. Being independent in relationship does not mean that one should consider him or her independent of others. This means taking the responsibility of one's actions; doing something once mind is made up, regardless of what others may think of it. Let me first list some of the most common behaviors I witness in people who live with dependency syndrome:

 Becoming depressed after the death of a beloved one

Being embarrassed by some undesirable behavior of a spouse, child or close family member.

Being hurt by what others say, feel or think.

Always seeking advice or approval of parents/ brothers/ sisters/ spouse before deciding something about one's own life.

Feeling happy if spouse is also feeling happy

Hiding one's own feeling if they are in contrast to the spouse's feelings.

Allowing other people to make to a decision on one's behalf.

How could one live with so much dependency on someone else. However, generally speaking in this society of ours, for the first ten years of marriage , women are more vulnerable and later on men become more dependent on their spouses. it is impossible and impractical  for someone to live happily with so much dependency. I am an advocate  of consulting one's spouse, children and other dependent family members before making an important decision of life that may also effect them. However, it does not mean putting one's own happiness away just to make others happy. Each one of us is interdependent on our families. I depend on my wife for certain things and she is dependent on me for some, and that is how the relationship goes on. We must understand that we can never be happy, if we make a decision either dependent or independent of our families , especially our beloved ones.  The problem however starts when we either decide to do or decide not to do something just because of others to avoid any confrontation in our relationship. In this case, even if we do something against our desires for someone else, the anger, unhappiness or dissatisfaction it causes, will ultimately destroy the same relationship.

                    Whoso furnishes security before  me

                that  he will not beg anything of men, I

                     bring him security of Paradise.

A man came to me whose wife was not willing to move out to any other city due to her family. over five years he missed three career opportunities  because her wife was not willing to move out. Though he did what her wife wanted him to do, he became angry and unhappy about his relationship and ultimately the whole relationship suffered. Finally one year after coaching session with me, he had another opportunity he availed and the relationship recovered.

It is psychologically impossible for any person who considers himself or herself  over - dependent on any other person to be happy and at peace. Most people either go to one extreme of totally giving up the control of their life to their spouse or become  a dictator. In both scenarios, the relationship will turn initially in a win lose situation, where one will be the winner and other the loser and ultimately the relationship will turn into a lose-lose situation. How is it possible? cite the case when on three occasions wife bulldozed her opinion on her husband and stopped him from moving out of the city. Although she got what she  wanted in the short run, it could not continue longer because ultimately due to unhappiness of her husband, the whole relationship turned bitter.

It is impossible for parents to be happy without children being so. It is impossible for any person being happy without  spouse being so. We are independent to an extent but it does not mean that we let others choose for us.

              Say: I have been forbidden to invoke

         those whom ye invoke besides Allah

         seeing that the clear signs have come

            to me from my Lord: and I have been 

               commanded to bow....

An overweight woman came to me. she was 35 years old but looked 10 years older. She told me she gained about 50 pounds of weight in the 10 years of married life. She was angry with her husband who she thought was unsupportive of her exercise and diet control plan.  She said he did not go with her for an evening walk and her husband and children did not want to eat what was on her diet plan. My question to her was why everyone else in the family must suffer and eat what she wanted to eat? I t does not mean that the family was not being supportive. Her  ''dependency syndrome'' was making her life difficult. When she realized this,  she started her evening walk on her own and cooking a different meal for herself. Very soon she recovered physically and her  relationships with her family improved tremendously..

So do yourself a big favor, and come out of your dependency syndrome. Take charge of your life...